you'll look sweet upon the seat

Dear Marianne,

Well my biceps are in very good order you'll be interested to learn.

Have I been down the gym? Have I been bullied and bribed into a January fat fighting binge by LA Fitness adverts which tell me off then let me off with their great: discount deals. "Have you stuffed yourself stupid this Christmas? Forgive yourself with four free days at our shiny gym" - their advertising consultant is definitely a Catholic.

No I haven't been seduced by the gym business, or by anyone as it turns out, but that's another story.

I have been down the p..a..r..k (spell it out otherwise the kids hear - if you say Park... doh!) with Anna and her new b..i..k..e. We started without stabilisers (yes, we - it's definitely a joint project), so I spent about an hour bent double and holding on to the shiny purple saddle - absolute hell - my lower back (upper arse) is in agony. Anna was thrilled, terrified and then pissed off - and so to the stabilisers.

When I was young - we had a bike which was one size fits all - the seat went up and down according to who was in a bike mood. Learning to cycle was a couple of trips to the p..a..r..k with Dad, who would run along holding the saddle then let go, this would go on until you got it. I also remember the puncture kit was vital to a day's enjoyment, and having a "slow puncture" was compulsory.

Becky and Stan got sensible, time consuming guidance from loving parents, when they were learning to cycle. Archie, not so much, he was so keen that he got on Stan's too large b..i..k..e at the top of our road in London one time and set off, whilst I shouted, jump now you bloody idiot! as he approached the High Road. I think the neighbours enjoyed it. For a long time Archie would dismount by throwing himself on to concrete, we kept this up as a method for learning, it kind of fitted his kamikaze approach to life.

Anyway, the stabilisers have done the trick, Anna is up and cycling and I can walk upright again. But since the weather has been mostly hurricanes with light gales, much of the cycling has been done indoors between the front door and the cooker. Mike meanwhile has graduated to Anna's tricycle, although it needs to be painted blue because he is a boy, and the pink and purple is all wrong with his violet dress.

By Spring I plan to have Anna on one stabiliser and by Summer she should be proudly on two wheels. As for me, I need to get my lazy arse on a bike too - that's right, no gym for me just two wheels, a calorie counter and a typhoon blowing off the Brighton coast.

Rx