an englishman's home is a property

Dear Marianne,

We have found a house buyer for the second time - hurrah!

There were two of them, they were room counters and they arrived in workman's boots, shorts and t. shirts, all splattered liberally in plaster and paint. They could have been two members of a more hetrosexual Village People. Maybe the look was contrived to impress upon us that though they were room counters, they were serious builders and not just any nancy boy room renters. To be honest they could have come dressed as Sonny and Cher for all I cared, as long as they wanted to buy my house.

Well they came, they wandered, they counted and then they went home and put in a very low offer. Which, out of utter desperation we very nearly accepted, but managed to reject and eventually drag from them a slightly less awful offer, which we accepted. They are planning to turn it into two flats, so apparently then this house does have "potential" as yourmove.com says, potential to have its innards ripped out, a few dodgy dividing walls put up and 140a and 140b stenciled on to two shiny new white plastic doors. That will be £100,000 profit in less than nine months ta - kerching!

I'm not going to miss cleaning and hoovering every other day for uninterested people, who have been sent to us by our estate agents even though what they were looking for was a two bedroom bungalow in Lowestoft. The children are going to be even happier because they will be allowed to leave beds unmade, toys in the bath, egg carton and toliet tube space ships on display in the kitchen, and underwear on floors. But it does mean that I will have to invite lots of friends and relatives round for dinner over the next few months so that I am forced to keep the place relatively decent should the builders return for one more snoop.

So all we need now is for you and everyone else we know to keep fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed and we will be out of here before Christmas. But just in case it doesn't all go according to plan, I have put a deposit down on a nice little place on the seafront at Hove. You know, one of those quaint wooden homes right by the sea, no not chalet, what is it, yes I know, a beach hut; we'll all be OK in one of those whilst the solicitors sort out the detail, don't you think?

Rx