hamster

Dear Marianne,

Despite my best efforts the hamster I am looking after for a friend is still alive; my friend will not be pleased. When I went round to water her garden and feed the rodent I found a note she had left for me, which said that I shouldn't worry about the hanging baskets, if they died they were on their way out anyway and if the hamster should die, I should equally not worry. In fact I got the distinct impression she would be happy for it to die whilst it was in my care so that she wouldn't have to explain it to her son - she even left a box to bury it in "if the worst should happen".
But I can't kill it.
I turned up with most of the family today to find it magically missing from its very large modern home. But because of its modernist take on the "cage", it has a few flaws, one being that the hamster can get out of the lid thing at the top.
After blaming everyone standing near me, shouting, slamming doors and shaking the cage for evidence of dead hamster, I eventually set about looking for the little bastard. I was worried about coming face to face with it but at the same time hoping to find it alive. An hour later and Archie and I had seen every part of the kitchen including the furry bits under the cupboards. I thought I had followed a trail of hamster poo (possibly mouse)to a corner I couldn't get to. But mostly I knew the thing was dead and I had to decide the best way to text such information without sounding too dramatic or too caring.
When I told the kids it was time to go they complained because we were going to have pizza and sit on their big sofas and watch sky tv on a massive telly. But I didn't fancy hanging around and cooking things in a kitchen with a dead hamster rotting somewhere. Also Anna and Mike had been told that the hamster had gone for a walk and the lie was starting to look ... well like a lie.
Just as I was shutting the door I saw the little furry bastard wandering nonchlantly, actually blindly, down the kitchen, it had found a route from the hidden corner over the bottom bit which I had pulled away. I shussed the kids, and picked it up it screeched and bit me on both hands, I screeched threw it in the sink, Anna screeched because I had, Archie shouted, Becky pissed herself laughing and Mike carried on doing his Sporticus fitness dance. The hamster was not injured of course, since it's obviously a robot hamster,which can live off no food or water for three days. Eventually I got it back home with the help of a tea towel. I re-wrote my text to my friend to say that I had saved the hamster's life and although I had been bitten all was fine, even the hanging baskets were perky and she wasn't to worry. She wrote back to say how sorry she was that the hamster was still alive.

Rx